How to Choose a Baby Name Together

The name deadlock

It usually starts around week 20. One of you texts the other a name you love. The reply is polite but unenthusiastic. You try another. Same response. By week 25 there's a shared Google Sheet with 90 names, colour-coded by who suggested them, and you're no closer to agreeing than you were at the anatomy scan.

This is the name deadlock, and nearly every couple hits it. The problem isn't that you have bad taste. It's that the way most people go about choosing a name is broken.

Why suggesting names to each other doesn't work

When your partner says "what about Ottilie?", you're not just evaluating a name. You're evaluating their suggestion, in real time, to their face. The social pressure to be kind about it warps your honest reaction. You hedge. You say "it's nice" when you mean "absolutely not". And they can tell you're hedging, which makes them less likely to share the names they actually love.

Meanwhile, the names you suggest get the same treatment. So you both retreat to safe, inoffensive options that neither of you feels strongly about. The spreadsheet grows. Enthusiasm shrinks.

Then there's the extended family. Your mum keeps texting "Margaret" every three days. Your partner's dad has strong feelings about family names. A well-meaning friend sends a list of 40 "unique" names they found on Instagram. Every new opinion makes the decision harder, not easier.

Swipe separately, compare later

The fix is surprisingly simple: stop reacting to each other's suggestions in real time.

Instead, both of you go through the same list of names independently. No discussion, no shared screen, no pressure. You each mark the ones you like. Then, and only then, you look at what overlapped.

This works because it removes the social performance from the process. You're not performing enthusiasm or suppressing a grimace. You're just reacting honestly to names, alone, at your own pace. And when a name shows up on both your lists, you know the interest is genuine on both sides.

The shortlist you end up with is small, positive, and built on real agreement. Discussing five names you both independently liked is a completely different conversation from debating a spreadsheet of 90.

What actually helps (beyond the usual advice)

Your taste will shift in the third trimester

Names you dismissed at 20 weeks might suddenly feel right at 35. Don't treat your early preferences as final. Revisit your list at least once later in the pregnancy.

The veto is sacred, but it has a cost

You should both have an unconditional veto. No one should have to use a name they hate. But if everything gets vetoed, you're not really participating in the process. Try a rule: for every veto, you have to add two names you'd genuinely consider.

Say it out loud in boring contexts

"Cosmo" sounds brilliant when you're daydreaming. Less so when you imagine a GP receptionist calling it out in a waiting room, or your kid spelling it over the phone to their bank. The playground test is a cliché because it works, but also try the "calling in sick to work" test and the "being told off by a teacher" test.

Ignore the popularity rankings (mostly)

Parents worry about their child being one of four Olivias in their class. But name popularity is far more spread out than it was in the 1980s. Even the number-one name in most countries accounts for less than 2% of births now. Pick the name you love; the odds of a classroom clash are lower than you think.

Set a deadline, even a soft one

Some couples name their baby in the delivery room. That's fine if it works for you, but for most people the sleep deprivation and hormones don't make for great decision-making. Having a shortlist of two or three ready before the birth takes an enormous amount of pressure off.

When family wants a say

Including grandparents or siblings can be lovely, but only if you're genuinely open to their input, not just managing their feelings. Be honest about what role they're playing. "We'd love your suggestions" is different from "we've decided to let you vote", which is different from "we'll tell you the name when the baby arrives."

If you do include others, the same principle applies: let everyone react to names independently rather than debating them round a dinner table. Group discussions tend to be dominated by whoever has the strongest opinions, not the best ideas.

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One more thing

Kabbo automates exactly this: independent swiping, automatic matching, no spreadsheet required. But honestly, even a shared notes app with the "don't look until we're both done" rule gets you 80% of the way there. The method matters more than the tool.